YOU CAN’T SEE THE FULLNESS OF WHO YOU ARE WITH THE CAGE THAT COVERS YOUR FACE AND BLOCKS YOUR SIGHT.
It’s been almost two years since I made a blog, and I’m here to share with you the new vision I have of the future.
I started this blog a brand new psychic medium. I was eager to share about spirit and give the gift of multidimensionality in a way that transformed people’s lives. It seemed like the dream I had always imagined. I was an owner of my own business. I set my own hours, and I got to work.
When I say work, I mean, my life consisted of BEING a psychic 24/7. Spirit’s would visit at all hours of the night. I was high on the thrill of new and exciting things. Seeing fairies for the first time, and having a gnome bless a candle for a ritual I created. ahh, it was sooo much fun and I felt like I had escaped the version of myself that got me there.
The girl who was sad, lonely and so deeply wanted to belong.
Let’s just say, spiritual awakenings have their peaks and valleys. If you have ever been through an awakening you know what I mean. You find beauty amidst the pain. You learn to love yourself through the tough emotions. You begin to see things oh, so clearly, until the next awakening begins to rumble.
In my head, I just wasn’t ready to give up the high vibe place I had been so deeply entranced with for so long. A year of completely owning who I was, what came up for me, sharing the value with others of past hurts felt like it was good enough. So i did what every scared little girl does, I created an illusion. I call myself a little girl for good reason. It wasn’t the 25 year old April that was delusional. It was my scared inner child. I didn’t know she was hurting because I was so busy running a business. I would start to feel her whispers and fears, but before I knew it… I was visited by a spirit or inspired to reach out to a friend.
Little did I know, my ignorance wasn’t bliss. My delusion was fueled by fear, and my ego told me fear wasn’t something we had time to deal with. I was operating so far removed from myself that the more the little girl within me hurt, the further out of my body I would go. Up, up, up. My mind was like a rocket ship floating around in the ethers and I was out there because it felt a HELL of a lot safer than facing what my inner child wanted to say.
So like any delusion, it eventually led to chaos and dysfunction.
I didn’t feel good doing what I was doing. Something was missing, and I couldn’t quite tell what it was. I was losing energy. I was losing touch with reality. I wasn’t taking care of myself, and eventually I knew… It was time to pause.
I needed to do some soul searching. Completely untouched by anyone, any expectation, and I needed to figure out why I was so burnt out.
During this time alone and detached from any form of work, I started to realize the cage I had been operating within. The image I saw was of myself in the forrest, wearing a white dress exploring nature, but with a cage in the shape of a cube over my head. This cage was iron and the bars were flat pieces woven around one another where I had JUST enough space to see some of the light, but I couldn’t see it all.
I knew that I was born with this cage, and that being born with it and accustomed to it, I had created a whole identity around it.
Thankful for its protection.
Appreciative of the reminder to slow down (because if I ran it would knock me back because the cage wasn’t closed or connected to me. it was as if I was walking around with an upside down, metal box on my head. The box didn’t enclose around my neck. It wasn’t a part of me. It was merely something I had grown accustomed to wearing and living within.
Eventually my desire to take the box off became unrelenting. I would feel SO triggered when it came up. I would immediately busy my mind on all the good things about the box. How the box was necessary and there were tons of people who agreed that our boxes made us who we were.
Still, the voice never went away. Tried as I might, that pesky thought kept creeping up. In my dreams. In my thoughts. I would daydream about the box not being there and get really close to forgetting i was even wearing it.
The only time it was acceptable to take the box off was at night of course. So that’s when I would have either the worst or best dreams about life without the box. I would watch myself skip, and prance around the forrest. I couldn’t quite see the detail of everything around me since the box obstructed my view for so long, so eventually in the dream I would freak out because something seemed to look threatening and I would return to the box immediately as I awoke.
Don’t want to see anything like, THAT. I would think. But eventually I began to feel frustrated. Eventually the box would start to REALLY bother me. I would find myself resenting the box, then resenting myself for resenting the box that “saved me” time and time again from the real world and all of it’s scary objects.
Then I would start to attempt to remove the box, almost by accident. Once I realized what I was doing i felt SO WRONG. How could I? What was i thinking?
Then I would wonder what it was like without the box. Could I really skip? Was there really beauty beyond this box? I think there is, but I can’t really tell with these blind spots… I wonder what it would be like to not have this box dictate so much about my life? Then another thought would go, ‘there she goes again, pretending like she’s going to one day escape the box that she ALWAYS defends anyways….’ and I’m triggered again.
I couldn’t think about the life beyond the box and the life within the box was just as infuriating. The pressure was endless. I had to have been thinking about this 24/7. Until one night I had a dream that showed me my life outside the box. The beautiful trees and the lazy river. All of the birds and colors that the flowers and leaves graced the forrest with. I’d never seen so clearly. I’d never been so happy.
I must know what life is like beyond this box, I said to myself in the dream. When I awoke, I started to put the box back on, but something in me didn’t want to. My eyes hadn’t adjusted yet, but the dream had a profound affect on me! I was scared. I was fidgety. I had thoughts racing through my head left and right, but I decided to breathe. I let my mind go for a moment and I took some time to feel into that fear. It felt consuming for a few seconds, but eventually i began to feel it smooth out into a gentle hummmm… I started to feel a little energized, and my eyes began to focus.
Today, I’m going to live without the box. Today I’m going to see what life without the box really feels like…
And that day I was practically blind. There was soo much sun, and I had a little head ache from not being able to see things so clearly, but immersed in the mystery, I had never felt, SO alive. It wasn’t long before I stumbled along that I had a little voice tell me to touch something in front of me. When I did, I felt the bark of a tree so grand and wide, I wasn’t able to touch my hands together to wrap around it even if i tried.
I stood in reverence at the magnificent energy I began to enmesh with. Slowly I started to see sillohettes of beings surrounding me and images of tunnels and things I wasn’t quite sure of what they were, but I knew that they were all codes. The voice of the tree filled my mind with a gentle caress of ease and peace.
“Sit with me, my darling. We have much to discuss.”
It was as if the unseen world was more true and fantastic than I had ever imagined. Lost without sight, I could finally see. Alone and bewildered, my fear was met with excitement and wonder.
I never wanted to give this up. I thought I had reached the pinnacle of what I had always wanted, but with that one thought. I was reminded of the time I discovered my gifts outside of this vision. The girl who thought she had it all just to lose herself in delusion of, “It can’t get any better than this”
And a truth unfolded before the story needing any explaining. I was the girl who was clinging onto a frame instead of exploring the everlasting mystery of my soul. It was then, I realized, I was not going to be blind forever. The version of myself in the vision was not in utopia, but finally where she was always meant to be.
If she was to cling onto that frame, it would just create another box she would eventually have to take off, and with each new awareness she would meet new thoughts that if clinged to, could create another cage. In a moment of complete bliss, we have an opportunity to see who we are, and from that create what we are.
The more we cling out of fear we trap ourselves in the frame and as the universe grows, our delusions lose their luster. Our discomfort is a sign of delusion. The physical world, though it may seem absolute is only as far reaching and real as our ability to remove the boxes of old and traverse the mysteries of the unseen.
Just as the girl in my vision, I too am on a journey of continual initiation. My gifts helped me to bust through and take off the first cage, but just as quickly as I took one off, my desire to stay exactly where I was and hold onto that frame created a discomfort in me that brought back the wounds of old.
My inner child was calling, and showed up as soon as i completely surrendered to bliss. Hidden inside of me, I fell into the trap of doing whatever it took to stay there, and until the discomfort became too much, I was trapped in a frame within a frame. Pushed by my ego to keep going, and completely oblivious to the pain I was avoiding, nothing could stop me.
I had to choose to see what was truly happening. I had to take ownership of whatever dysfunction I could hold onto long enough, and choose to emmerse myself in the mystery of me. I was no longer connecting with spirits of past loved ones, but instead I was traversing time one trigger and one realization at a time. Each time I cringed, I was experiencing the contraction before the expansion. Easing into it… I began to experience life as a catalyst for growth, and my reality got less solid and more fluid.
I realized my initiation was one that required this leave of absence, and trusting that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I come back to this space to generate a willingness of perception. I lead with stories instead of facts because i am not your teacher, but a bridge. I activate the channels and you choose whether or not you wish to traverse into your own unknown.
This will be my space of healing, and my call to those who are ready to share this journey with me.
I am gratefully, undefined.
Continually evolving, and consistently learning
I have nothing for you, that is missing within yourself.
I merely have the intention to share my experiences, and an excitement for those ready to dive into their own mysteries.
As the energy flows I will let my offers wax and wane as the does the moon..
With this beautiful realization and inner shift, I have opened my one on one coaching up to those who are ready to catalyze their success from the inside out. Email me with any questions, and for now, I leave you with the opportunity to live, uncaged.